the silence is screaming inside of me

today i feel delicate. as if anything pushed against me too harshly will surely break me. i feel remarkably vulnerable and it is this very feeling that reassures me this quiet, silent space for me to write is just as necessary as i always thought it was.

i am being patient with myself today. it needs a gentle touch and soothing encouragement. don't give up, don't give up.

oh dear universe. my mind and my heart and my soul cannot comprehend your complexities. i am scraping the ground for answers, four floors up in this quiet apartment and yet my hands remain empty.

i can hear you whispering "don't give up, don't give up... just let go of your worries and your fears," but i cannot feel myself actualizing these words.

i want to do. i am desperate to. but i need a few more seconds of your helping hand. i need your guidance just a little while longer.



i will be patient. and kind. and i will allow love to flow through me.

but i also may process this anger and fear and sorrow along the way. i cannot promise what that will look like.

all i ask is that you hold me back from falling off the precipice in front of me. please, hold me back.






i do not trust humanity. i do not trust my connection to it.

i do not trust me. i do not trust her.

i do not trust forever. i do not trust undying, unending, perfect love.

i do not believe in it.

or maybe i do. and my understanding of it needs a little bit of reconstruction. perhaps these expectations really are absurd.

i am terrified to see her. it has been 15 months. it has felt like 3 lifetimes.

i do not know her anymore. i am too tired to relearn and rediscover who she is.

i am angry that i am being asked to do that all over again.

i do not trust that what we had will ever be attainable again and that this will feel like meeting someone new all over again.

i am petrified that i will never be honest with her. i am certain part of me never will be. i cannot even tell her how this makes me feel and yet, it eats me alive here in this silence.

this silence. so much silence. so so so much silence. so many words and feelings left unexpressed.

is this to be our life together? this scared, scarred, judgmental, aloof series of almost collisions but mostly two long strings of ambitions that are never to be entangled ever again?

our lives feel mutually exclusive. i feel as if i have been shoved so far outside of her world that i cannot find her anywhere. i ask where she is. she tells me she is still looking for her.

what does that mean? what should it mean? do i wait patiently in hopes that she will return? or do i move forward in vain and angry that i feel so unworthy as to not be a part of any of the last year of her- our- lives?

i do not feel connected to her. i do not have any convictions that living with her will alter this. i do not feel i know her at all any longer.

and everything inside of me is aching for the loss of the beauty that was knowing and feeling and breathing and loving her.

now it feels neatly packaged and yet, convenient and empty, yet painted sloppily to hide the deep rivers of hurt and silence and absence that have me pinned down.

i am drowning here in this silence. and how could she ever possibly know? she is utterly beyond me reach.

tired

i am tired. absolutely, completely wrung out. dispensed.

i am tired of upholding this facade.

i am tired of lying.

i am tired of worrying.

i am tired of feeling so empty.

i am tired.

simply. tired.



i am tired of being so terrified that when she comes, if she comes, there will be no segway back into us.

there will only be a junction into two separate distances.

i am tired of being so fearful of that.

two worlds

...

but she wanted him to speak. she wanted him to carry her far away from here, and hold her close all over again, and tell her that two worlds could be bridged with a look, with a touch. she wanted him to say that she belonged to him, and that he belonged to her, and that in the grand scheme of things that was really all that mattered.

she wanted him to tell her that when you loved someone so hard and so fierce, it was all right to do things that you knew were wrong.

....