petrified.

something is different.

she has checked out. she has gone somewhere. she is distracted.

i am terrified. i am projecting. what if she has done what i did. what if she isn't just with friends with this other girl.

i cannot control her. i must give up this desire to control.

oh, but how? when i am so miserable? and all alone and with so so so much free time to just sit and think.

i should be exercising my brain. i should be using it to shut this useless voice up.

but, i'm not. i'm just petrified.

petrified that in a year, i'll show up and expect to move in and she'll simply be gone.

i am petrified now that i am the one who is smothering her. i never expected that to be the case, but now i am the one writing too much and wanting to talk more than she can.

and it all boils down to...

WHY doesn't she want to? WHAT changed? and WHERE did the woman i used to know go? i am in love with her. that her.

not this her. not this distant and shut down and arrogant her.

this her makes me disgusted and flustered and pathetic.

what am i missing?