nothing

there have been a disproportionate number of days this past year that have made me want to just give up on this with her.

walk away.

disappear.

days like today, when our conversations are butchered so by the distance. days like today when it literally feels like ripping my heart out of its cavity to breathe while typing.

i feel so completely and utterly shut out from her world. i have been told for months now "i have no words- nothing to say" as if that is supposed to mean something to me.

i am trying to be patient. but my patience is waning. it's just gone, actually.

i am furious. i am sick of being told she has nothing to say to me, as if putting off talking for 15 months will make it easier to talk about all those unspoke things over a period of 20 days this july.

i do not but it. i do not believe it. i do not trust that this really will be what i thought it would be. no.

i think now that i've signed onto something that was convenient for her and for me at the time, but now is just convenient for her. she can compartmentalize. she can turn me off. package me up a neat little box and send me to a deep place inside of her where she no longer is troubled to think of me.

i do not believe in a lifetime of love. i do not believe love is sustainable. i do not believe love can be forever.

love is a series of false, fleeting moments of brightness. love is a system of extracting something from people we claim to love and then to move on. love is taking. love is not giving because giving cannot be sustained. it just cannot.

i am so hurt. i am so lost. i am so ready to surrender. to brave this world without her because i think it might hurt less.

i have so little faith that i can scarcely feel its flame flickering inside of me. i have it tattooed on my body, but fuck if that means a thing.

it means nothing.
as does this ridiculous thing with her.
as does this experience here.
as does life. there is utterly no meaning.

no connection to humanity. no transcendental love that will save me.

there is simply nothing.

why can i not grasp that?