to write, to love

I am angry. RAGING.Frustrated. Still hurt and confused and distrusting. The reason this is so tough is that I haven't yet worked through all of this. Not fully. Not really at all. And when I project this rage and fear on her, it is only made worse.

I cannot recognize us. Cannot find her. Cannot even see beyond my own projections, cannot see how they blind me from seeing through to her, from hearing her, from believing her.

Cannot see how they blind me from trusting her.

I need to apologize and I don't. I need to erase the horrid words filling these pages, but I cannot.

I needed to write the anger to see it. I needed it to be somewhere so I could feel like I had shared it. I might not have progressing this way otherwise.

There are still so many things left to say. But not now. I am going to try and let go of this filth- these rotten things to keep us afloat for two more months.

To attempt to prove to myself that I can love.