it happened.
i am calm and at ease. relatively unscathed. detached.
numb. mostly, i am numb.
layers and layers of hurt piled on top of one another spread over a long enough period of time equates to numbness.
how has n harbored so much quiet and peace in the distance and the time away and the gaps between conversations and emails? how is she so sure?
how is she so confident in me?
she shouldn't be. i'm confident in certain parts of me. i will compartmentalize. i will block out what i do not wish to muddle in. i am confident i can do that.
but, i cannot shake the puzzle of trying to figure us out. and the other out. and all the ones to come. and the inevitable jealousy that will rage inside of me.
i must stop projecting. must stop scratching scars into this pristine surface. sooner or later, she's going to notice.
and what will i have to say for myself other than i am completely, utterly numb and lifeless?
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